Disillusionment

“Wisdom comes by disillusionment.” OR "It is only a step from boredom to disillusionment, which leads naturally to self-pity, which in turn ends in chaos.” I’ve always lived my life with background music. As a kid, life was like a Disney movie, or an Enid Blyton book. There was always magic just around the corner, the mean bully in school always learnt her lesson and Santa and Tooth Fairy left me gifts every Christmas, for every broken tooth. I used to dream that I was a lost princess, and maybe, that my parents were ‘hiding the secret of my birth’ and that one day, the wonders of my true identity would be revealed to me. No I don’t suffer from Schizophrenia. No, life wasn’t smooth. People were blunt and rude. There were so many times, when all the castles came crashing down, stone foundations included. But I persisted, almost stubbornly, in believing that every dream wasn’t just a ‘dream’. But the world teaches 'nerds' with rose tinted glasses hard lessons. My first harsh fall was the discovery that Santa Clause and tooth fairy were just made up. When my mom told me, afraid that I’d be ridiculed in school, I cried. But later, with child-like faith, I convinced myself that she was just bowing to pressure of the world, and that I would be strong and continue in my belief. I would be the one faithful. The one foolish faithful, it was more like. When people were unkind, I almost willed myself to believe that they had reasons. Troubled childhoods, trauma, my foolishnesses were all reasons for their unkindness. And it wasn’t that I wasn’t confident. In fact I was and still am a confident extrovert. Maybe that’s why all my castles could be attacked. I suppose, if you talk a lot, you are bound to expose your thoughts. I trusted people very easily too. But I suppose it was this same trust and openness that allowed me to rebuild the castles that were torn down. I envied girls who were quiet and shy. Sometimes I really wished I was the same.